Ladies and gentlemen…
Phil’s back.
I plan to blog again.
I plan to make this a blog worth reading.
I plan to act my age, not my shoe size. (Mother - enter stage left)
Right now, having spent the entire weekend in a state of drastic disrepair, having pissed my way through 400 quid in a matter of days, I am lamenting the fact that it feels like it was in a past life that I last did anything remotely productive, grown-up or worthy of a proud sense of achievement - a feeling that should surface often in the consciousness of a 21 year old human being.
Cynicism aside (mental note: I must be less harsh on myself) I feel that there are aspects of positivity to be gleamed from my current emotional state. I mostly feel guilt. Guilt that my parents work so hard to get things I have had handed to me on a plate. And not just my parents. I’m fucking lucky, and fucking taking the piss out of the whole system of life in general. There are several things I want right now. On one hand I have being given the following free of charge: money, security, intelligence, common sense, friendship, a large capacity to love and experience happiness. The other hand is empty, and lacks the following: a sense of direction, bodily health and harmony, a place/person/commitment/vocation/spiritual calling to be the site of my love, and etc. Since I have been rewarded with a handful of comforts and virtues I seem to think I am owed the rest - but it’s up to me to utilise my own self and use these ‘tools’ to distribute the weight.
This sounds samey - no? Yet again, I am on a mission to become a ‘better person’. It’s quite a vicious circle. Once the better person lets you down there’s left no other option but to revert back to the bumbling boffin you were before. And it’s hard to gain the momentum. This weekend hasn’t been all that bad. It’s not a big enough catalyst for change.
So I have one last request. I would like to know who I am making this request of. I’m not a fan of airy prayers, and if I had a concept of ‘God’ which I believed in, then I would be asking him. But I don’t. I guess I am asking anyone who features in my life, friends and strangers, any person of any effect. Give me some little sign. A glimpse of hope, or conversely the threat of disaster. Something to tell me that there is a point in change, that there are rewards, or problems to avoid.
Ps. I’d rather it wasn’t a health scare, but if that’s what it’s going to take…
